You’re doing WHAT in your profile picture?!

In the last week of beginning my foray into online dating, I’ve noticed a couple things. For a the sex that it is said takes the most selfies, these doofuss-es online are REALLY bad at it.


So for the bozos out there snapping picture after picture, thinking, “Yeah! I’m the MAN! Every woman is going to want me when they see this glamour shot!”…please adhere to these tips:

1. Make sure we can see your mug. Unless it’s not worth seeing, then I’m not sure what to tell you. I’m sure that sunny vista behind you that you’re trying to get in your shot is lovely, but it makes it hard for us fairer sex to see your face. I know we all say personality matters, but it’s that initial glimpse of your face that decides whether we want to get to know you. See also: It doesn’t work in your favor to use pictures of Halloween as your profile pic. You know, the one where you’re wearing a mask.

2. Don’t take your picture in the bathroom. Or at least, don’t make it obvious. I know there’s a mirror in there, but your phone (unless you still operate in the stone age) has a reverse camera. Take use of it. You can snap that puppy anywhere. Or better yet, browse through pictures of you traveling, having fun with friends, or at events where you’re dressed nicely. I promise they will all look better than you standing in a batman shirt in front of your dirty shower curtain (true story).

3. Speaking of batman, try to make sure the pic you choose from the pile, or the day you set out to take a selfie, you’re not wearing a shirt with a ridiculous saying on it, let alone expletives. I don’t need to know you’re a FBI (Female Body Inspector) or that you’ve got a “long schlong”. Try to find something respectable to wear. Unless that IS your most respectable piece of clothing, in which case, I’ll just merrily hit that “X” next to your name and move right along.

4. While we’re on the subject of inappropriate, let’s take a break from the profile picture and talk about your username choice. “Pu$$ydestroyer69″ [my $$ emphasis]…not gonna catch the ladies. Or at least not the right ones. Unless our definition of “right” is different, in which case, go on destroying. Don’t get the clap.

5. Also inappropriate? Drugs in the picture. Either as the only thing in your picture, or you doing them in your picture. This also encompasses smoking. I realize not every woman may feel that way, but this one does. So…on second thought….if you do smoke, put up a pic of you smoking. It saves me time of finding that out later and I can just move right along.

6. Don’t flash gang signs. Especially if you’re a clean cut white boy in a polo. Yeah, you, bro. You’re so ‘hood. You also look SO DUMB. So thanks for making this choice easy. X. Moving right along.

7. Duck face. I thought it was just a dumb girl craze. Evidently boys do it too. Who knew. Guess what? You look just as dumb as they do.

8. Don’t, for the love of God, upload a sideways picture. ROTATE. If I have to even contemplate turning my head sideways to see your bad profile pic choices, it’s not going to happen. You obviously don’t know how to use a computer, or are just too lazy to care. X. Next.

9. Try to upload a recent or relevant picture. It says you’re 28 but you look 14. Not up for jailbate, kiddos. And I don’t think your mommy will be happy with how you’re spending your internet time. And if you are actually 28, or 35, or 42…UPLOAD A RECENT PICTURE. I want to see the weight you gained…or lost. The tattoos or piercings you acquired (because I need to know if I’m hitting that X or lingering). What I don’t need is a picture from your high school graduation. Unless you’re telling me that’s all the education you got. In which case, X.

So. There it is. The short list of what not to do. I’m sure there’s more, but I’m so frightened for online humanity that I’m choosing to stop there and not seek out any more crazy pictures.

Until next time,


*This is a joke with a girlfriend. It is NOT my online dating username.

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