On matters of the heart

The first months of dating have been unsuccessful, borderline downright discouraging. Men who lie. Men as dumb as cardboard boxes. Men who don’t know how to open up. Cowards. Bores. You get the picture…

While unsuccessful, it has continued to teach me about what I want out of a relationship. That I want someone who will stand beside me bravely, not paralyzed with fear. That I want someone passionate about us, as I will be to him. Someone so excited with our love that he will yell it from the rooftops. Someone who will love me unconditionally as God does. Whose love in Him will show through in his character as a wonderful, loving spouse, not motivated by fear or external factors, but by his love of God, and by the love I give him, given to me by God. An unabashed, unwavering, unfaltering love.

I’m also beginning to learn that my timeframe is not the timeframe in question. I can’t rush these things, any more than I can make the earth spin backwards. Love and marriage are gifts given to mankind by God. It is His will. Yes, there are marriages that are entered into with the wrong motives, or become filled with the wrong motives over time to the extent that the only healing to be done is walk away. But you do so, bravely, with God. Knowing His love for you is unending and that His plan is greater than any you can imagine. And those plans can’t be rushed.

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Forgetting that the timeline is not yours can lead to a lot of miserable feelings. Doubt. Hurt. A lack of faith in the path your life is taking. It is a dark place. Reminding myself that it is not only up to me as to my path is a daily chore. Remembering that there is a love out there meant for me, my gift from God, is hard to swallow in the dark moments. But it is true. God tells me that there is a love out there for me, a man who will love me without condition or fear, whose heart overflows with love for me, because God is in it.

And so I pray that the heart of my future husband will be filled with God just as He is in mine. And when that happens, watch out for the fireworks…

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So this is the job, bob…

As I’ve mentioned, I started a new job mid-January. The first day (and a half? I honestly don’t remember. I tried to put myself in a voluntary coma) was spent in general training. Ethics. Medical coverage. Retirement plans. College savings plans. 401ks. Sexual Harassment.

Here’s my answer to all of those:

1. I have them.

2. Thanks. You pay me so little, you might as well give me good benefits.

3. How do people retire on this salary?

4. No kids, but thanks.

5. See #3, but insert “save” in lieu of “retire”.

6. whaaaaaaat

To be honest, the sexual harassment section was the funniest of them all. And I don’t mean that in a way that says I condone it. (For shame!) But some of the information, and the way they chose to present it, was hilarious. Some of it was straight-forward: Hitting on people, unwanted advances, etc…not cool. But at one point they said sarcasm was not allowed. WAIT.

Back up the truck.

Sarcasm is my modus operandi. It keeps me sane, in a cynical way, but also makes me laugh and not take situations too seriously. It gives me an outlet for the dumb encounters of life. And it’s not appropriate or allowed?!?!?!

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I was concerned I would be faced with an onslaught of interactions with coworkers turned drones. No personalities whatsoever.

So it was to my enthusiastic surprise when, on day two, I asked for help and the guy training me asked another code veteran to help me and he said “NO! I don’t like her. I know she’s new, but she’s mean…and she has cooties.”

Thank you sweet baby Jesus. Sarcasm lives.

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Goal Update

So part of the hiatus of storm-facing actually involved ticking off some of my 2014 goals.

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1. I found a job. It’s one that will require a lot of hard work for little pay, but it’s still pay. The benefits are good, even if you can’t afford to actually GO on vacation on your vacation days. It is a means to an end while I continue taking my tests and looking for architecture work. I know I will learn a lot about the code and inspection side of building design and construction and look forward to having that as another Ace in my hand. Some of the stuff I’ve seen already is crazy, and I’m sure there will be a rant…or five…associated with it in the future. But it’s work. And income.

Having said that, if you hear of any architecture work, please let me know!

2. I started dating. I’ve officially been on two dates and…well…I’ll leave it at that and let my tirade on Disney say the rest.

So…that’s it. Two goals in the first month. 2014 is off to a pretty good start, I’d say.

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And so I return…

I apologize for the hiatus.

That’s all there really is to say about that.

I took a hiatus, mostly because I didn’t feel like writing, or that I had much to write about, or was simply too overwhelmed with other stressors to focus on writing. Writer’s block is a real thing, and it comes in the form of life events, stress, and sleep. That last one may be a reaction to the first two, but still…no writing gets done (and I like things in threes).

I think I was stressing about the job situation, the lack of income situation, the “fresh meat to the market” situation (that had my phone blowing up with notifications, which was slightly confidence-boosting)….The perfect storm of chaos was reigning down on me. And so, at a time when I probably had good material, I didn’t write. I was focused on the storm.

Sometimes you need that, though. You need to shut down the outside world and focus on the storm. You need to focus and just get. sh!t. done. Sometimes it’s not necessarily soul food, but it’s finding the next thing that will actually put food on the table. Either way, the little things slide. They probably shouldn’t, but they do.

It’s important to take the storms of life seriously, but as I’ve learned over the past couple years, it’s also important to do the little things that feed your soul. That keep you full, happy, alive with a fire, eager to begin the next day…and not just begin, but charge forward in hot pursuit of your dreams. The things that feed yourself and your soul and your mind.┬áThose little things are different for each person, but they’re equally important.

My things are my friends, my family, this blog, and a good book. I’m eager to get back to them, now that I’ve resurfaced from the storm and can resume a more balanced life.

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I actually bought myself a piece of jewelry recently that is called the “balance necklace”. It was hand-designed, with the description that read:

“A happy life is one of balance, not perfection.”

Sometimes you get caught up in the storm and start to lose air, start to lose the things that bring you joy, that feed your soul…and it only sucks you into the storm more. I am a focused and determined person and I know I struggle with this, but I think, if I were to create an overarching goal for this year, it would be one of balance. There are many things that I would like to achieve, many things that are important to me, but if I only focus on one of them, all of the others fall away. This is not to say that there are moments and things that require one’s full attention because the outcome of them makes everything else easier to achieve…but balance overall is the goal.

And so I move forward, ship steadied, ready for adventure…

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